Chapter 3: The List Is Born

 

Narrated by Mapaseka

It started as a normal morning, or at least, that is what I told myself. The sunlight in my kitchen was soft, almost forgiving, spilling across the marble counter like nothing in my life was complicated. I made coffee and sat down with my laptop. Meetings later and emails,  but for now I just needed silence and clarity. I opened a blank notes page on my phone. I did not plan to write anything serious. I only wanted to organise my thoughts. But thoughts, I have learned the they are dangerous when they are finally allowed to speak freely. I typed at the top: “What I want in a husband.” Then I stopped,  I stared at the words. It sounded almost foreign when I said it to myself. I took a sip of coffee. “Alright, Mapaseka,” I whispered. “Be honest.” And I began,  educated. I paused after that one. Not because I was unsure, but because I remembered Kabelo. He was educated. Degrees framed in his office. Vocabulary polished and  confidence rehearsed. And still he lied with the same mouth that impressed people in meetings.

So I added a note beside it. Not just educated. Wise. I continued. Financially stable, that one felt obvious,  I have worked too hard to carry anyone. But then I hesitated again. Because I have seen what money does to men who don’t know how to respect it. So I added: Responsible with money. Not obsessed with status. My phone buzzed. Lerato. I ignored it. This list was becoming something important. Something I could feel in my chest. I kept typing, emotionally stable,  I leaned back. That one made me laugh softly.

Because in my experience, emotional stability is rare. Men either explode or disappear. There is no in-between. Still… I wrote it. Then I added: Can communicate. Does not punish silence. I stared at that line longer than the others. Silence is dangerous,  it creates stories in your mind that may not be real. But feel real enough to destroy you anyway. I continued. Family-oriented,  I nodded. Family matters to me. But I have also seen men who love their families so much that they forget to build their own lives. So I added: Loves family, but has boundaries. My coffee was now cold. I didn’t care, my mind was moving too fast. Physically fit,  I paused again. Not because it was shallow,  but because attraction matters. I am not going to lie to myself. I want to be able to look at my partner and feel something real. So I added: Takes care of his health. Confident in his body. Then I stopped, because something strange was happening. The list was not just about preferences anymore. It was becoming protection. A wall I was building line by line. I kept going, no children from previous relationships. That one came out quickly. I didn’t even think about it. Then I stopped again,  my finger hovered over the screen. Because somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew this was not just a preference. It was fear of being second and of complications I do not want to deal with. Because the more I read it, the more it sounded less like love and more like a job description.

My phone rang again, this time I answered. Lerato’s voice came through immediately. “So you are still building your imaginary husband?” I smiled despite myself. “It is not imaginary. It is standards.” She laughed. “Mapaseka, that is not standards. That is a corporate recruitment ad.” I rolled my eyes. “You don’t understand.” “I do understand,” she said softly. “You are trying to make sure no one hurts you again.” That sentence landed quietly, too accurately. I didn’t respond,  she continued, “But what if your list is not protecting you… what if it is blocking you?” I looked at my screen again. The list was still there,  like everything else in my life.

“I have to go,” I said finally. She sighed. “One day, Mapaseka, life will send you a man who will break your list without even trying.”

I ended the call before she could continue. Then I locked my phone, and sat in silence again. But this time, the silence felt different. I looked at my list one more time before closing it.

And I whispered: “Ha ke batle mathata.” 

But somewhere deep inside me I think I already knew,  Love was not going to follow my list. It was going to challenge it  completely.